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The_Coffee_Shop |
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Cups of Coffee Customers Menu The History Moderators Journal |
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| Writhing On The Rusted Fish Hook |
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| Nov. 14th, 2009 | 01:48 am | ||||||
Enki-bot: Online... Malignancy Mode: Engaged... Weapon Systems: Online... Targeting Parameters: All Available Targets... I have such hatred for our society some times. Such deep-seated hatred. Many decent people are caught in the spread-shot shrapnel of my explosions of loathing. Feels like being an unfortunate miner under the weight of a collapsed mine tunnel. Those few crushing seconds before death are being dragged out into an eternity of vile loathing and desperate nihilism. Like the malaria virus within the belly of a mosquito which has just been spawned from the most viscous pool of stagnation, I continue my existence in this town. Many of my friendships with others have long since crumbled into cold formalities, executed like clockwork, we go through the motions of pretending to give a shit. But I doubt any of them mean it any more, and I know I am clinging desperately to that part of me which actually cares about them. My respect for a good majority of my friends has degraded like the weathering of great mountains into grains of sand. You have such images and such expectations for the people you've grown up with. In the end they all disappoint you by showing you something you knew all along, in the back of your mind: They are only people, just regular humans, riddled with faults and carrying proudly the banner of failure. Few of them try as hard as they could, few of them achieve their goals, few of them amount to anything substantial. I too, feel that I am under-achieving but I lack the resources to make some of the necessary boosts in my own morale. One such resource will be the purchasing of our next home. My financial situation is declining as well, at my own hands. You see I work for a couple which has never run a kitchen before, let alone a business. Sufficed to say they are behind in paying me, quite a bit. My kindness and hopes that our business will do well restrain me from being a brutal dick to them. But seething just beneath the surface of my demure skin-mask is a disgustingly greedy, heartless, self-centered animal. At this point my family unit has become assimilated with my subconscious image of self. Also, if you hadn't noticed I indulge in the ingestion of alcohol quite frequently. Some would say to excess. I smoke cigarettes daily, and I smoke cannabis occasionally. As you can imagine these habits can become quite expensive. Couple them with the average debts associated with, as well as necessary to, civilized survival and you've got a steady drain on the sum my account. As a side-note to this I have relatively expensive tastes in alcohol. The only redeeming aspect of my life at this time is my family. I have healthy relationships with my wife and my son. I love them both dearly and they keep my sanity intact by dispelling my illusions of nihilism. Soon I shall have another son which we are leaning towards naming Raef. I cannot wait for the next stage of our lives to take place. I feel like it's been an eternity. And I feel as though I am a matured imago struggling to shed the chitin of pupate form. I feel as though I will be trapped in this epoch, without the pleasure of slumber, of waiting and time-biding forever. Will I never get to fly? |
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